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I sat on the couch, one hand holding my wife, the other scribbling down notes. We were talking to a guy named Jonathan, a fertility consultant, about "the process" and "the procedure" for starting a family. For LGBTQ+ people, we don't talk in terms of "falling pregnant."
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My wife, ever the comic, lightened the mood with a joke about a donor sperm handling fee. Every step of the queer fertility journey comes with a price tag and no guarantees.
My body better not fail me, I thought. I turned off my phone for the rest of the night to avoid seeing another surprise pregnancy announcement.
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Research from the Brookings Institution show it costs over $300,000 to raise a child through to adulthood. But for queer couples, the expenses accrue long before a baby is born. Whether it's IUI, IVF, reciprocal IVF, surrogacy, or adoption, all paths to parenthood are a major financial decision. And for trans lesbians, there also may be additional costs and considerations.
While infertility insurance law is starting to catch up to include the needs of LGBTQ+ people, we still have a way to go. In most instances, lesbian couples have to pay for everything out of pocket.
Jess Dinney and her wife, who live in Florida, spent $30,000 on two IUI attempts and two IVF transfers. The procedure paid off for Dinney and her wife, who welcomed twins.
Dinney, however, had to rely on debt to make their dreams possible.
"We had several conversations about what we were willing to spend, but in my heart, I knew there was no limit. Our insurance didn't cover any of the fertility treatment costs and, although it was a heavy financial burden, not having a biological child is something I would've regretted more," she said.
As I slowly put together the puzzle pieces of parenthood, one question remains unanswered: At what point does my dream of being a mother become financially irresponsible?
The hardest part about coming out wasn't accepting my sexuality - it was grieving the version of motherhood I had long imagined. I grieve that I'll never be able to see the face of the person I love in my child. I grieve for something I'd never had, nor ever will experience.
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Kathy Fish, a senior advisor at the all-women firm, Fish and Associates, said preparing to become a parent requires mental, emotional, and financial planning, especially for LGBTQ+ couples. "It's a great time to get a financial plan and work out all the details on the front end," she said.
Fish said she sees successful, two-career lesbian couple households who have had a baby and both continue to work. It's about deciding who will take a step back first.
A financial plan can help answer the challenging questions lesbian couples face. Who will carry and be the primary caretaker? If it's the higher-earning spouse, what changes are required to financially make it work? Is there an agreed spending ceiling? Is there a plan B and C?
Fish advises having these conversations as early as possible. This includes discussions about time off, future costs such as childcare and school, parenting styles, life insurance, wills, and legal parental rights.
"Money is never just about money - there's a lot behind it," she said. "There's so much emotion attached to wanting to have a child and a desire many experience deep in their soul. I don't think there's much else that happens in life besides a death or a divorce, that can really break a person."
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Sara Swikard and her wife had their first child after a successful second IUI attempt that cost $5,000. Because Swikard's wife was the primary earner, she was back at work within days. For their second, which was Swikard's turn, they spent over $25,000 on IVF. After a year of trying to conceive, it was the first and last IVF attempt.
She said the financial burden compounded the further along they got in the journey. Having a cash reserve and self-funded maternity leave helped, and they were able to take time off when Swikard gave birth to their boy.
They continue to pay a monthly fee to store an embryo and sperm (from the same donor), in the event they choose to have another child.
Swikard said there's an element of relationship building for the non-birthing partner, so having a fluid stay-at-home role is critical. "I love that we both were able to carry in the end. Learning both sides of pregnancy and birth is something that very few people ever get to experience. It brought us closer to each other, and we're raising our kids with the same limitless mentality."
Because queer people exist outside of the mainstream family structure, we're not bound by the society's expectations of gender roles. Our birthright is the freedom to make up our own rules and balance roles - a privilege many moms would pay for.