How does one quantify a happening culinary scene over a stale one? After all, everyone has their own palate and preferences. One person's deep-fried butter is another's filet mignon.
But we're not here to mince words and stew over technicalities. We're here to make bold, piquant declarations of superiority when it comes to what's on tonight's menu.
Using a mix of objective research and totally subjective opinions, we've assessed the U.S. states with the worst signature foods. Sorry to all the people we will inevitably offend.
Nickname: The Last Frontier
Statehood: 1959 (49th state)
Population: 733,391
Capital: Juneau
Biggest city: Anchorage
Nothing quite says "terrible food scene" like copious amounts of reindeer and marine-mammal-derived oils. If you want to eat like a local here - and trust us, you don't - then head to the local pub for a reindeer sausage and muktuk finished off with a bowl of aqutak.
Try having a fun Christmas after serving reindeer sausage to the kids. As for muktuk and aqutak? The former is whale blubber and skin frozen together and eaten raw, while the latter is a "dessert" made from seal oil, reindeer fat, snow and wild Alaskan berries.
At least the salmon here is abundant and super fresh?
Nickname: The Peace Garden State
Statehood: 1889 (39th state)
Population: 779,094
Capital: Bismarck
Biggest city: Fargo
The cuisine of North Dakota is heavily influenced by Norway, which is a major red flag. Norwegians eat strange and gummy seafood products like lutefisk. To make this "delicacy," one needs lye - yes, the caustic sodium hydroxide that literally burns human flesh on contact.
If that's not your thing, you can just fill up on a giant plate of hotdish, the state's signature meal, composed of a starch like potatoes, canned cream of mushroom soup, frozen or canned vegetables, and some kind of meat product. It's popular at funerals, because it's not appropriate to enjoy anything when honoring the dead.
Your best bet here is walleye fish, grilled or fried, which is totally palatable.
Nickname: The Mount Rushmore State
Statehood: 1889 (40th state)
Population: 886,667
Capital: Pierre
Biggest city: Sioux Falls
It's everything that's bad about North Dakota cuisine, only farther south. Oh, and when cattle or bison are castrated in South Dakota, their testicles are used for a dish called Rocky Mountain Oysters that has nothing to do with bivalve mollusks.
What is good in the state? Well, some restaurants serve bison steak, which is definitely satisfying, and it's not too hard to find decent pie. So there's that.
Nickname: The Beehive State
Statehood: 1896 (45th state)
Population: 3,271,616
Capital: Salt Lake City
Biggest city: Salt Lake City
Don't worry, the culinary experiences of the Beehive State will not make you a convert. Unless, that is, you crave a sauce of ketchup and mayo at every meal.
Utahans call it Fry Sauce while the rest of the world eats something better. As simplistic and awful as it sounds, people go bananas for Fry Sauce (and probably put it on bananas too).
And that, folks, is how you end up with a forgettable food scene.
Nickname: The Sunshine State
Statehood: 1845 (27th state)
Population: 21,538,187
Capital: Tallahassee
Biggest city: Jacksonville
The state affectionately known as America's appendix is many things to many people. It's often called the craziest state thanks to the abundance of bizarre criminal activity that takes place there. And now let it be forever known that Florida has one of the worst food scenes in the U.S.
Now, before you Floridians start coming at us, let us be clear here than the state is huge and certainly has some awesome places to eat. Miami's food scene, for one, is fantastic (order all the Cuban sandwiches) and the coasts produce some excellent seafood.
The problem is that, despite being a diverse state, Florida carries a weird torch for bland chain restaurants. Orlando has more fast-food restaurants per capita than any other city in the country. Hooters and Burger King were both founded in the state, as was something called Tijuana Flats that has over 100 locations, looks like a worse version of Taco Bell, and boasts charmingly named hot sauces like Jason's Mom's and Smack My Ass & Call Me Sally.
Stay classy, Sunshine State.