I'm engaged to a wonderful man - it's a second marriage for us both and we both have university-age children. I can't believe I'm this lucky. The problem is that I intensely dislike my future parents-in-law. I've only met them a couple of times but he's intolerably sexist and she's really controlling and judgmental.
My fiancé isn't blind to the issues, but he's an only child anticipating spending Christmas with them. I don't want to separate him from his family, but I don't know if I can handle spending time with them. They press all my buttons. How can I manage this nightmare?
- Appalled
In our 20s we would have practically curtseyed to potential in-laws, so desperate were we to please. But this is not your first rodeo, Appalled, and one of the more acute things about being more seasoned, shall we say, is a dulling of that people-pleasing reflex.
It's a relief, of course, not to feel the pressure of having to like everyone and be liked by everyone; to be able to say "actually this is not for me"; to be more protective of our energy, both physical and emotional. We are sure, Appalled, that you have been through a hard-fought journey to get here, having managed a divorce and all that terrible unfolding. Adolescent children with all those joys and turmoils. And now look at you - at the hard-earned pot of gold: a new flourishing relationship. And along come the in-laws with their judgments and difficult views.
At this point in your life, you've shed the people who press your buttons, so you are probably out of practice. It must come as a shock to find yourself back there, arm out for a whole new injection of negativity. "This is going to hurt," you are probably thinking, as you picture tense Christmases full of eggshells. At this point, the instinct is to think "I'm too old for this s---" and walk away.
But you can't, Appalled, because you love this man. When thinking about his parents, it may be helpful to remember that we are all more than our opinions. Try to look for the treasure in them. You have only met a few times and perhaps they were nervous, reverting to their blustery, performative worst selves, as they adjust to their son's new reality. We've both royally messed up on first impressions and there have been countless times when the jokes didn't land or we were shyer or shoutier than we wanted to be. But now that you've labelled them "the sexist" and "the control freak" you haven't given them, or you, anywhere to go.
Perhaps you need to make allowances. While this doesn't mean that you need to surrender your boundaries, you are going to need to treat your husband's relationship with huge compassion - it's tough being an only child with ageing parents.
We asked the excellent Emma Reed Turrell, director of the Therapy Loft, for some advice. She wonders if you could think about why they bother you so much? She says: "Yes, their behaviour is unacceptable, but are there other reasons why they trigger you that you could think through and separate? Do they remind you of anyone, for example?" This might help you at least gather your strength in a way that protects you.
The next step Reed Turrell suggests is having a conversation with your partner about "what he needs from you and what you need in return. Try to speak vulnerably not defensively; and aim to open up the dialogue, not reach an agreement. He might be wrapped up in old conditioning and only-child responsibility, which you can explore together over time." It would help avoid the build-up of resentments if you were able to work out how you are going to handle this together.
As far as Christmas goes, communication is key. Get that going early, before the tinsel has hit the shops. Reed Turrell adds: "Think about what other options are available - can you celebrate your own Christmas at New Year instead? Or, if you want to be together on Christmas Day, and that includes his parents, can you volunteer to be there rather than feel forced? Your nervous system will respond better to something you don't want when you volunteer to do it, as opposed to when you feel it's being done to you. However you resolve it, remember to repay the emotional and mental debt to yourself with some plans for January that bring you peace and joy."
Lastly, we would suggest putting on your big-girl pants and meeting your mother-in-law for a cuppa away from the terrifying arena of family dynamics. On neutral ground, things might look different and it might go some way to neutralise some of the tension. You never know, Appalled, there may be more than one pot of gold at the end of this rainbow.
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