Richard E Grant has spoken out about the intense loneliness he has felt since the the death of his wife of 35-years Joan Washington.
In his new memoir, A Pocketful of Happiness, the 65-year-old Withnail & I actor admits that he continues to struggle with the tragic loss, which occured in September 2021.
In extracts of the book, which is written in diary form and revealed by the Mail Online, the actor recalls feeling "sucker-punched" over the death and gives intimate detail about his wife's final moments.
"Return to Joan's bedside and hold her hand with my left, while scrolling through local funeral directors on my iPhone with my right," the star writes after being told the devastating news.
"Truly feel that my Joan has left us in spirit already, and it's only her body that is struggling on beside me...
"It's all okay, my angel. Don't hold on. We all love you so. So, so much."
In the weeks following her passing, the Downton Abbey star thought about "the sheer aloneness of being alone" and reflected on how he and their daughter Olivia were coming to terms with her death.
In his diary entry from September 1 2021, he said a visiting doctor told him he had rarely come across a patient with such resiliencde before a nurse pointed out that his wife would possibly die that evening.
Eight months after the passing, he wrote: "In the spring of this year I travelled to Australia to film.
"Posted the following text/video message, walking along a beach on the Gold Coast: 'Beautiful as this beach is, I feel and look like an old turtle without my shell, trying to navigate the world on my own, having lost my loving 'compass'...
My wife Joan's last challenge to me was to try & find a pocketful of happiness in every single day.That instruction has proved to be profoundly powerful.This book, honours that challenge. Links to pre-order a signed copy can be found here https://t.co/OsrIPL6P9U pic.twitter.com/jpS599YwDG
"Feels like a whole new world, navigating solo, but as Joan so wisely asked me: 'Find a pocketful of happiness in each day.' I'll try my best."
The Withnail and I star had first announced the death on Twitter on September 3, where he paid tribute to the voice coach alongside a clip of them together.
He wrote: "ONLY YOU! Joan - Love of my Life & Giver of Life to our daughter Olivia. Our hearts are broken with the loss of your Life last night.
"35 years married & 38 together."
The pair first met when she was working as a voice coach, and the actor fell for her even though she was married to someone else at the time.
He later proposed to her at an airport.
A Pocketful Of Happiness by Richard E. Grant, is set to hit shelves September 29
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