For kids to feel like they are a "mistake" means that there is a dynamic in the relationship between themselves and their parents where there is a disconnect. Whether it be because they mistakenly believe that one sibling is loved more than them or they receive less attention than others in the family do, in their hearts, kids are dealing with some big emotions to believe that they should not have been born. And if this phrase crosses kids' lips, parents immediately need to figure out how to talk to children who are convinced that they were a mistake so that the relationship can get righted. If left for too long, there may not be any coming back from the damage and kids will begin to struggle. Something which no parent ever wants to experience.
To feel like a mistake, there are likely a series of events that built up to kids feeling this way. While it was likely unintentional to make kids feel this way, something triggered them to feel like they no longer belonged in the family. Something that is not only sad but can make parents take pause as to why these feelings arose in the first place.
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Here is how to talk to a child who is convinced that they were a "mistake."
If kids are open enough to say that they feel like they were a mistake, then they likely will be open enough to express why. That makes for a perfect opportunity to ask open-ended questions about why kids feel this way.
According to the Aussie Childcare Network, when open-ended questions are asked, it lets kids know that parents are paying attention. Something that kids who think they were a mistake may think they have been missing out on.
Find out with these questions if siblings said something. Was a comment made at school? Perhaps a comment was taken the wrong way from parents that made them feel less than.
Whatever it is, by asking questions that require explanations, parents will gain some insight as to why kids think they were not supposed to be here. And then the journey to remedying that can begin.
Kids need reassurance. One of the biggest areas in which they need reassurance is feeling loved. And if that is not being provided by parents, kids may actually begin to wonder why their parents had them at all.
According to Llywodraeth Cymru Welsh Government, "love and affection are essential to a child's healthy brain development." If love is not provided from a young age, or there is no perception of love, the brain may develop differently.
To make sure that kids continue to have healthy brain development, they need to know they are loved. Ways to show this, according to HuffPost, ways that parents can show their kids they love them include:
By doing these things, parents can make kids see how much they are loved. And begin to chip away at the feeling of being a mistake as well.
According to VeryWell Family, the way that parents talk to their children is important. And while parents may think they are speaking to them in ways that show they care; this may not be the way it comes across to kids. Because of this, if kids say they feel like they were a mistake, it may be time to reevaluate how parents speak to their kids.
When kids speak, what they are saying is very important to them. Even if what they are saying is not truly important in the grand scheme of things, it matters. And parents need to show that it matters.
As such, according to the publication, parents need to watch their reactions when kids speak. Those reactions include:
If parents look at themselves in the mirror and feel like they could do better, then they should. People are always improving, adults included. And if it is clear that parents could be a better version of themselves, they should take the opportunity to be better. Their relationship with their kids depends on it.
Source: Aussie Childcare Network, Llywodraeth Cymru Welsh Government, HuffPost, VeryWell Family