When parents acknowledge or validate their child's feelings, they attempt to calm them and let them know that they are being heard. This sometimes helps to regulate emotions. It may let the child know that they are safe, and it's ok to feel how they feel.
However, what happens when parents show that they care and their child still doesn't calm down? Parents might get frustrated; they might take offense to it. It's a natural reaction. The thing is nobody likes being told how they feel, especially when they are angry. There is a lot of pent-up emotion that can spill over and push back on the person trying to defuse the situation.
Related:Why Validating Your Kids' Feelings Makes Them Feel Better
Sometimes people confuse validating a child with spoiling a child or coddling them. Like acknowledging their feelings won't toughen them up, or they don't have real feelings because they are little. Validation doesn't mean any of that.
Validating others' feelings means putting yourself in their shoes; to understand the emotions they are feeling. Validating a child's feelings does not mean you condone or agree with the actions the child takes. It simply lets the child know that someone understands their feelings and that it's ok to have those feelings says, Manhattan Psychology Group. It gives the child space to express their emotions in a non-judgmental way, safely and without ignoring or pushing away those feelings.
Children are human. Just like adult humans who want to be understood, they want to be understood too. Parents usually have a strong desire to take care of their children and nurture them. Sometimes that looks different from what it really is though. Parents might become overly focused on teaching and/or correcting children and wash over their feelings on things.
Building a strong connection with another person involves sharing feelings. According to Psych Alive, when we understand and validate our child's experience, we make it safe for them to understand themselves and then be open to learning and growing, our true goal as parents.
When kids are overwhelmed by feelings, says Lindsey Giller; PsyD, the emotional side of the brain isn't communicating with the rational side, which normally regulates emotions and plans the best way to deal with a situation. This is called being "dysregulated." It's not effective to try to reason with a child who's dysregulated.
To discuss what happened, or the situation with the child, parents might want to wait until the child is more rational. They tried to validate their feelings, but at the moment, those big feelings coming out are just too loud, and the child isn't hearing the parent. They don't understand that they have even been validated.
Parents are almost built to want to fix things for their children. They don't want them to be hurt or in distress. They want them to be happy and have wonderful childhood experiences. That is not a parent's job, though. Nobody can actually fix anyone.
What parents can do is empathize, validate, and listen. Parents have a lot more influence over their child's emotions than they realize, and they may want to consider taking that very seriously. See the child, hear the child. Wait for the big feelings to shrink down once again. Once the storm has passed, parents can take the opportunity to talk it out with their children.
Learn, listen, and grow with the child. There is not a lot more parents can do; this is enough. Validating children allows parents to do just that. It builds a solid foundation for a secure relationship. Children trust in their parents when they know that their parents are truly looking out for them and not disregarding them.
Psychologist, Karen Young encourages parents not to underestimate the power they have. She says, it won't always be obvious, and you won't always be thanked for it, but your presence has a profound capacity to help your child feel safe, seen, and soothed. Sometimes, for certain, it will be everything.
Sources: Manhattan Psychology Group, Psych Alive, Lindsey Giller, PsyD, Psychologist, Karen Young