Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I need help twofold: crafting verbiage to break some news to my first grader and also processing my own emotions. The good news is that the news isn't necessarily bad. We're moving! But we're moving from one coast to another. Not only will this be a cultural shift (West Coast to the South), but it will also mean saying goodbye to good friends and family. It will mean no longer seeing the people we love on a daily or weekly basis.
I have this abject terror that this cross-country move will crush my first grade son's soul. Not to mention the additional guilt I feel for taking the grandkids away from my parents (I have a second child who is too young to understand what is happening). I'm wracked with guilt while trying to process my own grief. I know we can visit, and that they can visit us, but I'm keenly aware it will not be close to the same relationship we currently enjoy. Plus, I'll miss my friends, too.
Why move then? It's not for work, although there are benefits. The biggest one would mean a better financial situation for our family going forward. A bigger house and smaller mortgage. Freedom from student loans and other debt. And close proximity to my in-laws (my children would gain the opportunity to become close with their only cousins).
I think the hardest part for me is that this move isn't a necessary evil and therefore I can't pin the blame on anyone else but myself. My husband is very supportive and would stay where we currently are if I only asked. But we've talked about moving out of state long before our children were born and continued to dream about it ever since. Partly for the adventure, of starting over fresh, and partly for better financial freedom.
Please help me feel confident going through with this. People move all the time, right? I just don't know how I can sell this move to my son if I'm so unsure of it myself.
-Wish I Had a Crystal Ball
Dear Crystal Ball,
To answer your final question first, yes, people move all the time. Even though I wouldn't classify myself as "rich" by any means, I live in a part of southern California that is one of the most expensive places to live in America. Because of that, no less than ten of my two daughters' classmates moved to Texas, Arizona, Florida, and North Carolina this summer alone for the same reasons you are. Namely, they aren't cool with paying a $1.5 million dollar mortgage while raising a family in a 3-bedroom house the size of a shoebox. During the time I've lived here, I've seen countless families move away, and I wouldn't fault you one bit for getting a bigger bang for your buck elsewhere.
One thing I've noticed about the young kids who still keep in touch with my daughters after moving elsewhere is how happy many of them are now. Sure, any change is hard at first, but once they entered into the routine of school, making new friends, and taking part in activities, life started becoming fun again. I have a strong feeling the same thing will happen with your son, because children are way more adaptable and resilient than we give them credit for. Not to mention, with today's technology, it's ridiculously easy for people to stay in touch with video calls.
Regarding your son, I think you need to be at peace with the fact that he's going to put up some resistance when you break the news to him, so you should be as direct as possible. You can say something along the lines of, "We're going to move to a bigger house in a new city, and we'll have more opportunities to do fun things. It may be tough at first, but mommy and daddy will be here to help you through it. I know you're going to love it, trust me."
Expect tears and some anger about leaving behind his familiar surroundings, but he will be fine due to having loving parents there to help him navigate the change.
In other words, this too shall pass. Once it does, you're going to love the larger home and extra money in your bank account.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My MIL watches our 18-month-old most workdays at our home after basically begging to when we were discussing childcare options when I returned to work 6 months ago. My biggest concern with this has always been her severe anxiety. She has to know exactly how to perform any task before she is even willing to attempt it. She will closely watch us complete any task, like changing a diaper or cutting up food, multiple times, then will want to do it a few times with us watching her and giving feedback then will sometimes still FaceTime my husband during the day to ask him to make sure she's doing it correctly. She can't just "go with the flow" and adjust as needed.
In order to prepare for a day of her care, everything needs to be as ready for her as possible. This means a detailed daily schedule written out (times, food types and amounts, etc.) and updated if ANY change has occurred, in depth instructions for any specific tasks, food for the day prepared in the fridge, multiple extra outfits out on the changing table ready to go in case an accident happens, all materials out and more than fully stocked, etc. Recently she mentioned that she was feeling a bit lightheaded when we got home and we asked if she'd had enough to eat and drink that day and she thought about it and realized she hadn't eaten or drank anything all day because "she was so busy she just couldn't find the time". Believe me, I know a toddler is a lot of work but there was three minutes at some point where you could make a sandwich and get a drink of water.
This to me was the point where this care situation is clearly no longer sustainable. To my husband it means we should also prepare her a lunch in the fridge and have a large cup of water filled up and ready for her in the morning before we leave. We talked about it, with me presenting the stellar local daycare we can afford with upcoming openings as our alternate option and he said we couldn't possibly ask his mother to stop watching our son because she said it "gives her life purpose she didn't have before."
I don't think it's our job to give her life purpose nor do I find this level of preparation we have to go to so that she doesn't potentially feel overwhelmed during the day to be sustainable. I'd like to get my husband on board with daycare then for us to sit down together and talk to her, making it clear that it's not because she's not providing great care and it doesn't mean she will never see/care for him. Suggestions on steps to get there?
-Packing For Daycare
Dear Packing For Daycare,
You're absolutely right-this isn't a sustainable situation if you value your sanity. It's clear that your mother-in-law has debilitating anxiety, and she needs to take the requisite actions to get it under control. I also agree that it's not your responsibility to give her life meaning to the detriment of your family's mental health.
The wise move is to send your son to the local daycare where you can have the peace of mind knowing he will be cared for by professionals who know what they're doing. I would tell your husband that doesn't mean his mom would be cut out of your son's life, but it should provide an opportunity to help her to address her anxiety. If he's intellectually honest he knows that he shouldn't have to prepare a lunch for his able-bodied mom or remind her to eat/drink during the course of each day.
Coming from someone with mental illness (me), I believe both you and your husband need to stage an intervention in order to help her. You can approach her to say, "I know you love our son and you only want the best for him, but your severe anxiety makes it difficult for us to feel comfortable while we're at work. I did some research and found a mental health professional you can talk to about this. In the meantime, you're more than welcome to spend time with our son whenever we're around."
Yes, that may come as a gut-punch to her, but at the end of the day, you need to do what's best for your son while hopefully assisting your mother-in-law in the process. While this is happening, be sure to invite your mother-in-law over when you're home and have her watch how you care for your son. In doing so, hopefully she'll notice how childcare isn't as stressful as she's making it out to be. Let her ask as many questions as possible regarding chopping vegetables, preparing spare outfits, etc. in hopes that will help her to feel more comfortable when the time comes for her to watch him alone down the road.
Your MIL will probably take this personally, but be sure to shower her with love and remind her that she's always welcome in your home. As long as she gets the help she needs, there's no reason why you can't use her services in the future on a long-term basis, or currently for short-term needs like a date night or for an hour before you get home from work.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I need some outside perspective. My husband and I had a child in March 2020. She's two now, and I cannot tell what changes in our life are due to the pandemic and what are due to being new parents. I don't know what is just normal for being the parents of a toddler and what is a weird behavior brought on by anxiety about Covid.
What were the social norms before the pandemic about spending time with other people when your kids are sick? Due to being in a large daycare, she gets sick on average every three weeks (sometimes more often), and then we get sick too. So if we are lucky we get two healthy weekends a month.
Currently, when she is sick we do not let her play with the neighbor kids, and we try not to let her play with them when they are sick. But that leaves so little time to play! And forget about us spending time with adult friends! The few healthy weekends we get her grandparents are understandably desperate to see her. Even trying to be careful we gave my mother-in-law a case of the flu that turned into pneumonia.
How did people navigate this before the pandemic?
What about just going to public places? Is it rude to take a sick kid to the library or the grocery store? She still licks things!
-Perplexed Pandemic Parent
Dear Perplexed,
Welcome to life with preschoolers. There's not a family around-Covid or not-who hasn't navigated what seems like a constant rotation of runny noses, stomach viruses, and other illnesses as their toddlers attend preschool, daycare, and play dates.
Before Covid entered the chat, there were many situations where parents sent their sick children to school and to daycare because they wouldn't get paid if they didn't show up to work. I'm sure that still happens today, but hopefully it's less frequent than before due to how serious Covid is. If your kid is sick these days, then the courteous (and necessary) thing to do is to keep your kid home to avoid making others sick as well.
Getting colds at minimum and Covid at worst are a part of our reality nowadays-especially when raising tiny humans who spend a lot of time at daycare centers. I'm not about to get into a vaccination debate in this column, but I'll just say you should do whatever it takes to keep your family as safe as possible from Covid and other illnesses. How you choose to do that is up to you.
When that fails and your daughter gets sick, please do everything in your power to keep her away from others until she gets better. That means no trips to the playground, library, supermarket, or daycare during that time. Of course that's no fun for anyone, but it's less fun to get an immunocompromised person seriously ill due to your family being slightly inconvenienced.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter has been close to a group of kids from elementary school all the way through high school. And because the kids are close, all the parents grew close as well. For years we've all done playdates, family barbecues, shared holidays, birthdays, etc. We live in a large city and raising kids in a community of families has been amazing.
During the pandemic my daughter and one of the kids "Alex" had a falling out. It's a long story but basically Alex started spreading some really horrible rumors about my daughter within the friend group and beyond. My daughter tried to patch things up, but Alex kept spreading rumors. So, my daughter refused to talk to her at parties.
For the last couple of years, I've noticed that family gatherings have slowly disappeared. I thought it was because of the pandemic, but I just found out, as one of the kids in the friend group told my daughter, that Alex refused to go to any gatherings my daughter was invited to and because Alex refused to go her entire family refused to go as well. Apparently, all the moms decided to not invite our family (they've known each other longer) to any gatherings that Alex's family would be at-which meant basically all of them.
I'm beyond livid. Not only did they exclude my daughter from her community during a time that she, and everyone, needed connection, but no one thought to talk to me or my daughter about it. They all quietly decided to orbit around Alex and enable bad behavior. I don't know what to do. The kids just graduated and are going their separate ways in the fall, so I could just cut my ties and say bon voyage to the parents, but there is this other part of me that wants to confront them, ask them why they thought excluding my daughter was a good idea. I looked up to these moms but now I'm just disillusioned and angry.
-Disillusioned and Angry
Dear Disillusioned and Angry,
I have a few thoughts about this and the first one requires you and your daughter to be truly honest with yourselves. The question that comes to mind is what role did your daughter play in this mess?
I only say this because it's rare that a group of people would stop talking to you and your daughter for absolutely no reason. Granted, it may not be a good reason, but something must have taken place in order for all of the families to exclude you in such a way. Before viewing your daughter as being victimized by these people, be sure that you have all of the facts first - and that will require you to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with her. If you discover some new intel about the situation that puts your daughter at fault (even a little), then I don't see a problem with you addressing it with the other moms to clear the air.
If you determine that your daughter did nothing wrong, then the next move should be to take a deep breath and move on. There have been times when seemingly good friends of mine ghosted me for strange reasons that I still don't understand to this day. At first, it kept me up at night and made me extremely angry - but then one of my mentors said, "If you know in your heart that you did nothing wrong, then the only person you need to make peace with is yourself." Everything changed for me after that, and I simply let it go. Yes, it was as easy as that.
If someone angers you, they have power over you-or as the kids say nowadays, they are living rent-free in your mind. Don't allow it. Instead use this situation to teach your daughter that sometimes in life you won't get the opportunity to tell people off to get closure or an explanation. You simply have to be the better person and walk away. Seriously, why would you want to talk to anyone who treated you that way? It seems unlikely that you'll salvage a friendship, so I wouldn't even bother.
Remember, the best revenge is a life well-lived.
-Doyin
My boyfriend of three years has been dabbling in comedy since we started dating. For years his friends told him to do something as a comedian, even as just a hobby. He lost his job and has been taking his comedy far more seriously. I think he is the funniest man I've ever met except one thing.